The Celtics are a past their prime team, filled with chemistry issues as the new guard fight the old guard. 2 years ago when the Celtics won a championship, they had 3 stars in their primes, 3 very strong role players, and a young PG moving forward and looking to assert himself.
Since then, their best defensive player has lost his knees and athletic ability rendering him a shell of himself. Their best perimeter shooter has lost the consistency that used to be his hallmark, and their best all around player has aged two years, and just looks tired after trying to carry this team.
The young guys resent the old ones, and the strong role players that have left have been replaced by a 36 year old Center with man breasts who often won't run past either foul line for 5 minutes at a time. When you hear "once he plays his way into shape" 3/4 of the way through the season, it's time to accept he's not going to be playing his way into shape.
Miami won 47 games in the regular season. Boston won 50. Cleveland finished 61-21 with the best record in the league. Boston won on opening night when they still had fresh legs. Cleveland took them apart piece by piece both games after that. Boston won the 4'th game of the season when Cleveland didn't care anymore because they had 1'st locked up.
The only thing I will say is this... if you were at a park and about to play pickup (insert sports of choice here) and you had people from all sports standing around, the first pick is, and would always be Lebron James. I don't like the Cavs, I don't like Lebron, but he is something special, and he needs a championship. I am not saying it because Lebron loves basketball and is ultra competitive. His competitive nature is best demonstrated in his goal of being a global icon. People love winners. Now he proves he is one.
4/11/10
Game Preview 4/11/2010 vs. Chicago Bulls
This is it. If this depleted Raptors team wants the honor of getting decimated by the Cavaliers in 4 to 5 games, then quite simply they need to win this game against the Chicago Bulls. The Raptors do already have the tiebreaker with the Bulls no matter what. happens, however, getting behind the Bulls, with equal schedules (The Raptors play weaker teams, while the Bulls play teams ready to rest their players) would signal a disaster. If the Raps manage to win this game, they'd only need to win 1 of the next 2 games. And likely could manage that, even without the venerable Mr. Bosh.
I confess, that even despite my current blasé attitude, and acceptance of the end of the Chris Bosh era, I still get excited for games that mean something. If the Raps were 6-7 games out, and looking at another late lottery pick, I would probably have thrown in the towel. But right now, the season is still alive, and that tiny string of hope is out there. Give the Raps a chance to have the biggest round 1 upset of all time (with all due respect Golden State and Denver, we'd be bigger) and I would get excited for it. Will we win a championship? Not a chance. But we could do something special all the same, and that's what I want. A chance for a special memory is all you can ask from your sports teams.
I confess, that even despite my current blasé attitude, and acceptance of the end of the Chris Bosh era, I still get excited for games that mean something. If the Raps were 6-7 games out, and looking at another late lottery pick, I would probably have thrown in the towel. But right now, the season is still alive, and that tiny string of hope is out there. Give the Raps a chance to have the biggest round 1 upset of all time (with all due respect Golden State and Denver, we'd be bigger) and I would get excited for it. Will we win a championship? Not a chance. But we could do something special all the same, and that's what I want. A chance for a special memory is all you can ask from your sports teams.
4/8/10
Mostly Fake Made Up Player Profile Presents: Reggie Evans
Age 29
Height 6-8 (Generously Listed)
Weight 245 lbs (Generously Listed)
Salary: 4,960,000
Reginald "Frankenstein" Evans was born in Florida, but moved to Napa Valley at an early age. His mother and father worked on a vineyard, and grew their own marijuana in a small field. Growing up, Reggie spent a lot of time working the fields, and gained a love/hate relationship with grapes, and grape offshoots (wine, juice, jelly, etc) Reggie can't resist the taste of these items, but afterward, has to go off alone, curl up in the fetal position, and cry for 12 minutes.
Reggie attended the University of Iowa on a basketball scholarship. During his 4 years there, Reggie majored in theater, and is an accomplished mime. While a talented college player, Reggie realized that his pro career wouldn't be one of a star. Instead, he realized that a hustle player who rebounds well, and pretends he has a post game would be a much better fit.
In order to practice the art of the screen, Reggie developed a 2 part workout regimen. Phase 1 of his plan involved proper screen placement. Reggie would go out, find a busy sidewalk, and place screens in front of busy commuters. This worked for quite a while, but eventually, the burns from the coffee thrown on him forced him to no longer operate near Starbucks.
The second phase of his regiment required him to adjust to the physicality that NBA players running into him would present. Pasty businessmen/women just didn't have the force required. After consulting with Iowa physicist Yan Feng, Reggie found the proper force to simulate setting an NBA screen. Reggie would visit a local area goat farm, get on his knees, and make mating gestures at the females. This in turn would incite the rams, and have them charge his chest, which incidentally was wearing a rams head t-shirt. Each shot to the chest Reggie took was one more NBA screen he was ready to set.
Toronto is Reggie's 4'th team. He's been traded around as a specialist and has provided generally high rebound rates throughout his career. He was used most in Seattle and had his best year, averaging 4.9 points and 9.3 rebounds in 04/05.
While it was expected that Reggie would be a large part of the Toronto Raptor team, he's generally been a disappointment. First his foot injury dragged on for the majority of the season. Then it was discovered that he was hiding gnomes in his beard.
Strengths:
Stage Presence
Soft Miming Hands
Rebounds Well
Beastly Goat Screens
Weaknesses:
Anything to do with shooting a basketball.
Gnomes in Beard
Best Case Career:
Reggie Evans
Worst Case Career:
2 year training course at ITT Tech in "Refrigerator Maintenance"
4/7/10
Down in the Doldrums.
Yes, a long weekend away. I am sure my saucy wit, and intense Raptors knowledge was well missed by all three of you. Now, lets recap what happened to the Raptors while I was away. Blew Out Clippers! Good. Beat Philly after almost collapsing. Mixed Blessing. Lost to Golden State at home. Painful painful stuff. Lost to Cleveland. Chris Bosh fractured his face.... Goodbye season
So we're 1 game up on Chicago with the next two against Atlanta, Boston. We once looked like we were heading to a 5 seed. Now we'll be lucky to make the playoffs, don't own our 1'st round pick, and if we do make the Playoffs, we'll still be without our star.
This season is over, but that doesn't mean Raptor talk ends. We'll be back to normal tomorrow. Look forward to our next fake player profile, and an upcoming look at Chris Bosh's inevitable Free Agent destination.
So we're 1 game up on Chicago with the next two against Atlanta, Boston. We once looked like we were heading to a 5 seed. Now we'll be lucky to make the playoffs, don't own our 1'st round pick, and if we do make the Playoffs, we'll still be without our star.
This season is over, but that doesn't mean Raptor talk ends. We'll be back to normal tomorrow. Look forward to our next fake player profile, and an upcoming look at Chris Bosh's inevitable Free Agent destination.
3/31/10
Game Preview 3/31/2010 vs. LA Clippers
Don't Play for the Clippers. Just don't do it. I'm not a doctor, but consider me your doctor right now. DO NOT PLAY FOR THE CLIPPERS. It is a medically unsound choice. Blake Griffin, you had a chance. You could have demanded a trade elsewhere, you could have said "nope, not doing it, never" and just moved on. You chose to embrace playing for the Clippers, and see what happened?
I'm not going to go into the list of #1 draft picks that have been career alteringly injured. (yes, I made up the word alteringly) I am not going to go through the list of busts. I will simply point to a certain youtube link of poor Shaun Livingston. (really don't watch that if you're squeamish) Shaun got drafted by the Clippers, started to show his potential, and then BAM, he became a true Clipper destroying his ACL, MCL, PCL, Lateral Miniscus, and dislocating his Kneecap and his tibia-femoral joint. I think what I am trying to say to NBA Players is if you ever stumble across this blog. If you are ever weighing a free agent decision. You may be offered more money to play for the Clippers. You may have to choose between the Clippers and overseas. All I can say is that the D-League and Idaho looks a lot better than the picture in the top left. Do your ACL a favor. Stay away from the Clippers.
3/30/10
The Shocking Truth About Hedo Turkoglu's Moderately Wild Night!
Rather than a regular wrap up and analysis of the Bobcats game, I can sum it up fast. Jack and Bargnani showed up in the fourth. Last 4 minutes were some of the most painful basketball ever watched, but a win is a win. There, consider yourself informed.
While this has for the most part been a blog of expert analysis and stunning wisdom, the time has come to put aside the opinion. It is time for some hard journalism. By sorting through all the evidence, I have come up with a timeline of Mr. Hedo Turkoglu and what REALLY happened during his supposed night of moderate partying and non stomach illness.
Time-Line of Hedo Turkoglu's life From March 24'th to March 27'th:
Wed March 24'th
8:11 PM:
After 4 points in 19 minutes, Hedo's stomach begins to rebel, whether because of some spicy clams or because of it rejecting yet another atrocious offensive performance, we can't be sure.
10:42 PM
Phone call from Triano checking on his Small Forward, insuring Hedo is checking out the Nuggets game tape and enjoying his Pizza Pizza and Sprite. Hedo responds “Yes Coach”.
Thurs March 25'th
10:03 AM
After getting onto the practice floor, and seeing Sonny Weems playing SF for the first team with Hedo's status up in the air, Hedo's stomach once again rebels on him, forcing him to the restroom for an extended period. Sonny goes 2 for 17 in practice, full of confidence for the upcoming games.
Fri March 26'th
5:30 PM
Hedo finds out he's not going to be dressing for the game due to his lingering “virus” Consumes more Pizza Pizza and Sprite in sadness.
7:51 PM
Sonny Weems makes 19 foot jump shot. Hedo faints on bench, requiring the trainer to take him back to the locker room and check him out.
9:06 PM
Up 10, Hedo realizes how much Pizza Pizza and Sprite 53 million dollars can buy. Resulting giggle fit has team-mates worried. Resulting in late game collapse and Denver victory.
9:32 PM
Raptors lose, walking back to locker room loose ball heads towards Hedo, passes through outstretched hands, strikes Hedo in the face. Giggle fit ends.
10:31 PM
Hedo's wife has it written into his marital contract that all Friday nights in Toronto require a trip out. Hedo acquiesces meekly.
11:46 PM
Yorkville district becomes enhanced by the Turkoglu family. Hedo takes brief trip into the new hip hop club “Esophagus” thinking perhaps he can get something for his recent stomach issues there.
Sat March 27'th
1:14 AM
Twelve rye and pepto's later, Hedo is feeling much better. He is seen unpacking his mystery case that he had been carrying with him. Supposedly case contains a pair of custom made Gucci dancing shoes. The crowd takes a collective intake of breath as they are about to be subjected to a 6'10” Turkish man showing them all up.
1:32 AM
DANCE FIGHT! Hedo vs. 19 year old hairdresser DeMonique Blair of Mississauga.
1:48 AM
Hedo Crowned winner. Distressed DeMonique takes cell phone picture of Hedo's final moves. Sadly, DeMonique can't leap up to the roof, grab hold of supports, followed by a reverse somersault, and come down in the splits.
1:51 AM
Jealous DeMonique uses her Blackberry to Google Raptor executives. E-mailing the entire front office the picture of a supposedly ill Turkoglu celebrating his dance victory by spinning his wife on his index finger like a Spalding Basketball. Executives angry at him showing this much ball control wonder why he isn't displaying it in game.
2:38 AM
Turkoglu and wife return home. Consume Pizza Pizza, delivery man was waiting in his drive way. Driver enjoys 100 dollar tip and vows to supply them with as much pizza as they need in the future. Hedo weeps openly for the first time since he left his homeland.
9:34 AM
Coach Triano calls. Wants to know if Hedo is ready for Miami Sunday. “Yes Coach”
Time-Line of Hedo Turkoglu's life From March 24'th to March 27'th:
Wed March 24'th
8:11 PM:
After 4 points in 19 minutes, Hedo's stomach begins to rebel, whether because of some spicy clams or because of it rejecting yet another atrocious offensive performance, we can't be sure.
10:42 PM
Phone call from Triano checking on his Small Forward, insuring Hedo is checking out the Nuggets game tape and enjoying his Pizza Pizza and Sprite. Hedo responds “Yes Coach”.
Thurs March 25'th
10:03 AM
After getting onto the practice floor, and seeing Sonny Weems playing SF for the first team with Hedo's status up in the air, Hedo's stomach once again rebels on him, forcing him to the restroom for an extended period. Sonny goes 2 for 17 in practice, full of confidence for the upcoming games.
Fri March 26'th
5:30 PM
Hedo finds out he's not going to be dressing for the game due to his lingering “virus” Consumes more Pizza Pizza and Sprite in sadness.
7:51 PM
Sonny Weems makes 19 foot jump shot. Hedo faints on bench, requiring the trainer to take him back to the locker room and check him out.
9:06 PM
Up 10, Hedo realizes how much Pizza Pizza and Sprite 53 million dollars can buy. Resulting giggle fit has team-mates worried. Resulting in late game collapse and Denver victory.
9:32 PM
Raptors lose, walking back to locker room loose ball heads towards Hedo, passes through outstretched hands, strikes Hedo in the face. Giggle fit ends.
10:31 PM
Hedo's wife has it written into his marital contract that all Friday nights in Toronto require a trip out. Hedo acquiesces meekly.
11:46 PM
Yorkville district becomes enhanced by the Turkoglu family. Hedo takes brief trip into the new hip hop club “Esophagus” thinking perhaps he can get something for his recent stomach issues there.
Sat March 27'th
1:14 AM
1:32 AM
DANCE FIGHT! Hedo vs. 19 year old hairdresser DeMonique Blair of Mississauga.
1:48 AM
Hedo Crowned winner. Distressed DeMonique takes cell phone picture of Hedo's final moves. Sadly, DeMonique can't leap up to the roof, grab hold of supports, followed by a reverse somersault, and come down in the splits.
1:51 AM
Jealous DeMonique uses her Blackberry to Google Raptor executives. E-mailing the entire front office the picture of a supposedly ill Turkoglu celebrating his dance victory by spinning his wife on his index finger like a Spalding Basketball. Executives angry at him showing this much ball control wonder why he isn't displaying it in game.
2:38 AM
Turkoglu and wife return home. Consume Pizza Pizza, delivery man was waiting in his drive way. Driver enjoys 100 dollar tip and vows to supply them with as much pizza as they need in the future. Hedo weeps openly for the first time since he left his homeland.
9:34 AM
Coach Triano calls. Wants to know if Hedo is ready for Miami Sunday. “Yes Coach”
3/29/10
Game Preview 3/29/2010 @ Charlotte
Back to back games stress the mind, the body, and your ability to sleep on planes. Back to Back games against the two teams directly ahead of you in the standings making up a vital road trip to try and stay in playoff contention are something else.
Playing Charlotte is an interesting quandry. They aren't the most talented. They aren't the best at anything. But somehow they find ways to win. What they do have is a decent defensive team that can win some games when they play offense. The best part of Charlotte is their "spiritual" leader is Mr. Stephen Jackson.
Stephen Jackson currently has to run a #2 behind Ron Artest for craziest NBA player. Sure, he's loyal, but still, he's batshit insane. Personally I find his chest tattoo of two hands praying while holding a handgun to be rather calming. He believes in God. Surely no one has ever done something crazy in god's name. Jackson is often best known as the Robin to Artest's Batman during the Palace of Auburn Hills brawl. But admittedly, charging into the stands full of people who hate you shows you care about your team-mates. Not about your own well being perhaps but your team-mates sure. And what does shooting a gun into the air at a strip club at 3am show? That Mr. Jackson likes strip clubs and guns of course. His gun love, coach feuding, and insanity notwithstanding, his teammates love him. He's given them an identity, and a new attitude. This team isn't your grandma's old kitty cat anymore. They're angry, and they love guns. Personally, I think that makes the cats very very interesting.
Prediction:
Bobcats 108 Raptors 102
Playing Charlotte is an interesting quandry. They aren't the most talented. They aren't the best at anything. But somehow they find ways to win. What they do have is a decent defensive team that can win some games when they play offense. The best part of Charlotte is their "spiritual" leader is Mr. Stephen Jackson.
Prediction:
Bobcats 108 Raptors 102
3/28/10
Game Wrap Up 3/28/2010 @ Miami (Let the Collapses Continue)
That has to be the current question about the Raptors. Do they still really care. People have been starting to question whether Bosh is really still committed to this team. It's not in Bosh's nature to quit, but the reality of the situation is that he's not going to be able to take this team, put it on his back, and go anywhere come playoff time. It seems that for the next 4-5 years, the Raptors as currently constructed would be peeking as a 45-49 win team who might compete for a 4 seed in their best year. Not a team that is going to be competing for championships. So while I believe he is doing his best, (unlike a certain traitor) I think that the losing is starting to really take it's toll on Mr. Bosh. It seems that almost everyone I talk to has now accepted that he is probably going to be gone after the season. No one wants to say "oh, this team is too good for him to leave. I've heard excuses like "He's loved here, he won't be as beloved elsewhere". That's obviously untrue. If he went to New York, he'd have a chance to turn around a storied franchise in the biggest market in North America. More sponsorship money, more exposure, more fame. And if they work a sign and trade for Bosh, lots of room for other help.
We'll have to see if the Raptors can A) Make the playoffs. B) somehow put everything together again and make some noise beating a much better team in the first round. Only then will Chris have something to consider. But any more collapses and we might as well say goodbye to him.
Game Preview 3/28/2010 at. Miami Heat
No wrap up for the Nuggets game you say? Carmelo's last minute shot drove me into a pit of despair and sadness that only painkillers, a goat, and a two day liquor bender could salve. Eventually I woke up Sunday morning laying in front of the ACC with only one shoe on, a large stain looking suspiciously like dried blood on my left leg, and no wounds to explain it. I realized that time heals all wounds. (Except for emotionally inflicted ones by NBA basketball players... I'll never forgive you Vince Carter... never) Carmelo's shot happened, but after 44 minutes of well played aggressive basketball. If the Raps had managed to not turn the ball over so much, their massive rebounding edge would have allowed for them to blow that one out instead of playing such a close game. Take that aggression into tonight and things will go well.
The Heat are rather similar to the Raptors. They have a star eligible for free agency. They surround him with aging talent that really isn't all that talented. The difference is Miami beach is full of warmth, Clubs, and fake tits. It's a perfect NBA destination. Hopefully last night the Raptors didn't partake of these extravagances too much, and are ready to go tonight. The sad news for Toronto is Jermaine O'Neal being questionable for tonight's game with the fact that he's still alive. With 1 of his 2 knees legally dead, the other one is putting up a fight, but eventually, it's going to lose it's battle with the grim reaper, and the legacy of JO will fade into the distance. If JO was healthy, we could look forward to a healthy display of low percentage jump shots and grimaces.
As it is, we will just have to hope for the best. Tonight and the next game against Charlotte will show if Toronto wants to make the playoffs, or would rather be watching the first round from at home.
Prediction: Miami 97 Toronto 92
The Heat are rather similar to the Raptors. They have a star eligible for free agency. They surround him with aging talent that really isn't all that talented. The difference is Miami beach is full of warmth, Clubs, and fake tits. It's a perfect NBA destination. Hopefully last night the Raptors didn't partake of these extravagances too much, and are ready to go tonight. The sad news for Toronto is Jermaine O'Neal being questionable for tonight's game with the fact that he's still alive. With 1 of his 2 knees legally dead, the other one is putting up a fight, but eventually, it's going to lose it's battle with the grim reaper, and the legacy of JO will fade into the distance. If JO was healthy, we could look forward to a healthy display of low percentage jump shots and grimaces.
As it is, we will just have to hope for the best. Tonight and the next game against Charlotte will show if Toronto wants to make the playoffs, or would rather be watching the first round from at home.
Prediction: Miami 97 Toronto 92
3/26/10
Game Preview 3/26/2010 vs Denver Nuggets
The only silver lining to a team as good as the Nuggets coming to town is the thought that their front line is nicely banged up. Of course, we only have one forward who attacks the basket in an effort to draw fouls, but lets ignore this for a moment. In reality, the Raptors will probably lose this game. We don't match up well agianst the Nuggets. Their defensive bigs give our offensive ones fits. Carmelo will tear apart anyone we have guard him, and their uptempo style works well against our pseudo uptempo style.
As such, I propose an alternate strategy. Many many years ago, I vaguely remember an episode of Coach. Craig T. Nelson (Coach) had moved on to the NFL I believe and managed to get his terrible team into the playoffs. He was playing in Buffalo, and his assistant coach (played by some really old short, fat white guy. Sure I could look him up on imdb... but that's no fun) got the entire team free wings. Of course, these wings were undercooked and pink, thus leaving 30 of the teams players with salmonella poisoning. Assistant coach being a gross pig had always eaten pink chicken and built up an immunity.(And people wonder why the sitcom got replaced by reality TV)
I am thinking that Room Service needs to insure that Denver gets a similar type of food product. While wings might not be readily consumed by players, I am sure that they are constantly eating chicken in an attempt to be healthy. Just make sure to put some sort of opaque sauce on the chicken, call it an energy sauce, tell them it's full of whey protein and ground up cow muscle, I don't care. Then poison the Nuggets. Or at least Melo, Billups, and the front line. If Aaron Afflalo beats us, I'll tip my cap to the lad.
Prediction: Nuggets 114 Raptors 103
I am thinking that Room Service needs to insure that Denver gets a similar type of food product. While wings might not be readily consumed by players, I am sure that they are constantly eating chicken in an attempt to be healthy. Just make sure to put some sort of opaque sauce on the chicken, call it an energy sauce, tell them it's full of whey protein and ground up cow muscle, I don't care. Then poison the Nuggets. Or at least Melo, Billups, and the front line. If Aaron Afflalo beats us, I'll tip my cap to the lad.
Prediction: Nuggets 114 Raptors 103
3/25/10
Jermaine O'Neal, We Hardly Knew Ye (And Thank God For That)
I still remember the day that the Raptors acquired Jermaine. I was floating in the waves with some friends on a sunny summer day. The warmth and breeze combined with freinds on a long weekend made for an ideal time. Then one of my friends started running from the beach. Pushing through the breakers to try to get out to us, screaming "You won't believe it! You won't believe it!" As he pushed through the waves, I thought something monumental had happened. At the time, all that mattered to me was that TJ Ford was finally gone. No more crunch time ridiculous shots. No more looking at an average PG who thought he was a superstar. Contentment and joy fell upon me. What I thought had been a perfect weekend truly became a perfect weekend.As the days wore on, and I started thinking about the trade from a pure basketball perspective, a sense of dread came upon me. We had Bosh manning one big spot, and in theory we were supposed to have a talent in Bargnani at the other spot, though I was certainly unsure as to whether Bargnani would fulfill his possible potential.
While not technically "old" at the time of acquisition, Jermaine had a lot of miles on this legs. He falls into a select group of high schoolers drafted at the age of 17. A lot of miles had been put on his incredibly shaky knees. Anytime a Center has put 10+ years in the league, it's time to get critical. Especially when they have suffered consistent injuries.
Back and forth I went, contemplating, weighing his poor performance, bad shot selection, and injuries against... well, I'm still not sure what I weighed it against. I think it was merely hope. Hope that the Raptors could form some sort of twin towers scenario, Jermaine could drop 8 years, and we'd be a dominant force in the East.
Well, you know how things went. Jermaine remained a big ball of suck. His knees continued to ache at the smallest touch. His headband continued to be flung into the stands in disgust. In the end, we had to take on Marcus Banks' ridiculous salary, and give away another 1'st round pick for the Jermaine O'Neal experiment.
The everlasting image of Jermaine O'Neal is going to be a 14 foot fade away jumper clanking off the front of the rim. Fans in Miami are enjoying it right now. Thankfully for them, they can focus on Wade, and do their best to pretend that there is no one else on the court.
Jermaine O'Neal, when all is said and done, you've really only done one thing right in your career. You put that Pistons fan down on the ground like he deserved. You've got a good right hook. I can appreciate that.
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